i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
