I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
