Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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