Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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