I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
