I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
