the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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