OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
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So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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