the day after is always just damage control
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
