Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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