my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You have to summon your inner elephant
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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