Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
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I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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