ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Welp...herpes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
