So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
