The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
