smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
