My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
