I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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