I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
