My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
