what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
