my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
