i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
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Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.