Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.