dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
