Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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