I wish I could punch you in the face.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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