ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
