Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
