My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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