I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Randomize
