Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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