I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
