You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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