she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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