I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
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I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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