Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
