Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
