had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
