he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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