Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
