My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka