I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
