Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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