You smell like a Billy Joel song
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
