My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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