I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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