if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
