My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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