Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
