I wish I could teleport
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
