I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
