Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Randomize
