I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
