True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
