last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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